


In Some Sad Way, I Already Know

by postapocalyptic_cryptic



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron isn't having a funky good time, Angst, Being High on Painkillers and Cuddling Your Ex, Being Sober and Letting Your Ex Cuddle You and Maybe Giving Him a Kiss-Kiss, Complicated Relationships, Cuddling & Snuggling, Exhaustion, F/M, Fluff, Gunshot Wounds, Hospitals, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, In this house we love and support Haley Hotchner, Protective Haley Hotchner, Season/Series 03, Self-Worth Issues, a little treat for those of you who don't think Jung was out of his mind, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postapocalyptic_cryptic/pseuds/postapocalyptic_cryptic
Summary: Haley has to leave. She has no choice. The universe is forcing her hand, but that doesn't stop the aching in her heart. She misses Aaron, and she can't stop wondering if there isn't a way to stop this. When Dave calls, she can't stop herself from answering.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Haley Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner, David Rossi & Haley Hotchner
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	In Some Sad Way, I Already Know

Contrary to popular (Aaron’s) belief, Haley hates the divorce. She hates everything about it. She hates what led up to it, she hates the paperwork, she hates the arguing, she hates the lawyers. She hates the questions Jack asks her, she hates the cold spot on the other side of the bed and she hates that she has to do this at all. She just doesn’t like it. 

Most of all, though, she hates that she’s undoing thirty years of work done gaining Aaron’s trust and making him believe that he’s worthy of the love she gives him. “Gives” and “loves” are in the present tense because this divorce is about schedules and children and time taken to be with family,  _ not  _ how much she loves him, which is something Aaron is entirely incapable of understanding. 

Try as she might, Haley never managed to teach Aaron the difference between arguments and frustration about the state of a relationship or small, fleeting things and true anger or ill feelings towards Aaron himself. He cannot fathom the idea that someone could be upset with his behavior or the fallout from it without also harboring negative feelings towards his entire being. It’s a leftover from his monumentally shitty childhood, and Haley wishes every day that she could somehow relieve him of that burden. 

Aaron looks at her like she’s a million miles away. He doesn’t call because he doesn’t want to make her upset, and she doesn’t call because she has no idea what to say. He’s completely stopped going to her for help, and he treats visits to Jack like special rewards for good behavior instead of his right as a parent. It’s bad for everyone involved, and it keeps her up at night with tears in her eyes and a war raging in her heart between love and logic. Between wanting to help and knowing that she can’t sacrifice her son to try and fix her husband. 

She misses him with all the grief of a closed chapter of life. She misses him and she knows she will never stop missing him, and she knows that he misses her, and she’s been wondering if this whole mess can’t just be fixed. 

Maybe that’s why, when David Rossi calls her at two in the morning, she doesn’t even hesitate to pick up the phone. 

“Dave? What’s wrong?” She knows it must be Aaron. There’s no other reason for him to call her like this. “Is Aaron alright?”

_ “I’m sorry for getting you up this late,”  _ he starts. 

“Don’t be. Is he alright?”

_ “He’s at George Washington with a gunshot wound. He’s stable and the surgery was non-invasive, but he’s… agitated.”  _

Haley’s heart stops and starts again in quick succession, making her sway in place where she’s standing next to the bed. “What do you mean by that?”

_ “He’s asking for you. And Jack, but mostly you. They had to give him some pretty serious narcotics and he’s confused. I’m sorry to ask something like this, but do you think you could come down here?” _

“I’ll be there in forty five minutes.”

* * *

In the end, it only takes her thirty. She doesn’t bother changing, just throws a jacket over her pajamas and wakes Jessica up long enough to fill her in on the situation. She’s tense on the drive down, pushing the speed limit as much as she dares. 

She can only imagine what sort of “agitation” would prompt Dave to call her this late. She and Dave aren’t  _ friends,  _ per se, but there’s a certain bond formed between two people trying to keep the same dumbass alive that can’t be overcome by time or distance. They’ve known each other for nearly twenty years now, and Dave’s seen Aaron through far too many rough times to be shaken by a little narcotics-induced angst. Whatever’s happening must be bad.

She finds out before she even gets in the hospital room. 

“Dave, Dave, you have to let me up. I’m supposed to see Jack in the morning.” Aaron’s voice, panicked despite the daze of exhaustion and medication, floats out the open door. 

“Aaron, sit down. Hey, I said sit  _ down.  _ You’re not going anywhere. Haley’s coming to pick you up. Sit down before you hurt yourself.” Dave’s getting frustrated, then. 

“I have to…” Aaron falls silent as soon as she steps into the doorway. Dave glances up and nods to her, but Aaron’s just staring with a look of confused shock like he’s just seen a particularly unusual ghost. He looks like hell, she realizes. The gunshot must be in his shoulder, because his left arm is in a sling. Beyond that, though, his face is bruised and his eyes are bloodshot. His hair is sticking up all over his head in a way that reminds her of their teenage years. He’s tired and stressed and drugged and scared, and she completely understands why Dave called her. 

“Hi, Aaron,” she greets, keeping her voice soft and level. He spooks sometimes, when he’s tired. It used to be all the time. 

“Haley,” he breathes. He struggles to sit up, drawing his arms close to himself defensively. God, she’s broken him again. She forces herself to push the guilt away. “I-I didn’t realize…”

She pulls a chair up to the side of the bed and sits down. “Good morning, Dave.” 

Dave sighs. “Is it really morning?” 

“Close enough.” Aaron’s still looking at her. She’s close enough to see how his pupils are blown all wide. His head tips to the side and she smiles, cupping his cheek in her hand and coaxing him back upright. He rights his head, but immediately leans back into her, so the effect is sort of negated. “Hey, sweetheart.” 

His mouth falls open and he doesn’t respond, just keeps watching her. After a moment, he turns to Dave. “Did you call her?”

Dave nods. “Yes, Aaron. You asked for her, remember?”

“Yeah, but… I don’t- I didn’t…” He trails off, looking back to her. “I’m coming to see Jack tomorrow,” he assures her. “I won’t be late.”

Oh, Aaron. Oh, sweetheart. “I know you won’t. You’re doing such a good job.” She shoots a glance to Dave, who shrugs. Haley hates this so much. She puts her hand back on his face, rubbing a thumb over his cheekbone. He closes his eyes and she lets her face fall for just a moment, taking in the ashy pallor of his skin. 

“I want to go home,” Aaron whispers and a tear slips down Haley’s cheek. 

“Okay. That’s why I’m here, Aaron. We can go home now.”

“No,” he whimpers. “I can’t. I can’t, I don’t want to. It’s so bad there, Haley, I can’t.”

She’s not sure where he is right now, so she goes with an old reliable line. “You don’t have to go there. You’re coming with me, honey. It’ll be alright.”

“I’m coming with you?” He cracks a hazy eye open. 

“Yeah.” She takes his hand in her free one and squeezes gently, getting a weak squeeze back. “Dave’s got your go bag. You can get changed and I’ll drive you back home. Jack’s there, you can see him when you wake up.”

“‘M not asleep,” he murmurs. 

She laughs and Dave snorts. “No, not yet. I think you will be later, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

Aaron opens both eyes, smiling dizzily. “M’kay.” 

It takes a few minutes and some artful coaxing, but Haley manages to get Aaron into a sweatshirt and sweatpants and socks before stepping out with Dave while a nurse gives him his final check. 

“How long has he been that bad?” What happened in there wasn’t just a gunshot and pain medication. That was weeks and weeks of no sleep and bad habits and self-destructive spiralling falling together in one anxious, overly-open puddle of profiler. Aaron is trying so hard not to be terrified of her, and she’s trying so hard to remember why she had to leave. Dave, as always, is caught in the middle, trying to pick up the pieces quick enough to save their boy. She needs his help. She’s never been so grateful in her life. 

“Since he moved out,” Dave admits, putting a hand to his head. “He’s trying, but he… he’s just-”

“Not like us,” Haley supplies. “He feels things too much. He works too hard. Trust me, I know.” 

“I’m scared for him.”

“So am I.” She’s scared she won’t be there when he needs her the most. She’s scared of everything these days. 

* * *

Getting Aaron into the house is sort of like herding cats, only the cats are semi-conscious, two hundred and twenty pounds, and very confused. He keeps trying to go back to the car and “get his hat.” (Haley, I need it, I left it in there and I need to go back and get it. It’ll only take a second. I left it…)

“Aaron, come on, honey. We’re almost there. Once we’re inside, you can go to sleep, alright?” She guides him to the stairs and takes the first step up, tugging at his arm. 

He frowns, eyes unfocused. “Is Jessica going to be mad that I’m on the couch?”

Haley raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Jessica doesn’t like me. Is she going to be upset when she wakes up and finds me on the couch?” Aaron takes a wobbly step up and winces, leaning into Haley’s side. 

He does have a point, actually. When they were in high school, Jessica was not Aaron’s biggest fan. At the time, Aaron was the scary smart kid who never talked and got drunk behind the fieldhouse and probably cut himself in the bathroom, if you could believe Bobby Jamison (She did, not because he was trustworthy, but because she’d seen Aaron naked by then). Haley was the good, sweet girl and good, sweet girls should not date bad influences who were always looking to start fights. What Jessica didn’t understand, though, was that a kid who sang his tone-deaf little heart out at auditions just for a chance to hang out with her couldn’t be all bad. 

They’d gotten over that, though, so Aaron should be safe from Jessica for tonight, at least. “Aaron, Jessica won’t mind,” she says, helping him up the next step. “And you’re not sleeping on the couch. As long as you’re okay with it, you’re sleeping in the guest bedroom with me.” 

He lurches and almost falls all the way back down the stairs. Wide hazel eyes meet hers in the dark, more lost now than ever. “I thought… What?”

Haley’s given this a lot of thought, and she’s not backing down now. “You’re more than welcome to sleep in the same bed as me, Aaron. I want you to. I miss you.” 

He stares down at her. “...I miss you, too.” Then, “I’m tired.” He yawns, eyes slipping closed again. The moment’s gone. 

“Hey, Aaron. Eyes open. Stay awake for just a bit longer, okay? Let’s get you to bed.” She taps his shoulder and he blinks at her, long and languid and slow. He’s still on edge, but the sleepiness is starting to take the edge off. It won’t be long now. 

“‘Kay.” He follows her to the bedroom, quiet as a churchmouse and wobblier with every step. 

Once in the bedroom, she turns the lights on and shuts the door, locking it behind them. The last thing Aaron needs right now is a half-asleep, curious Jack walking in and asking what happened to Daddy. 

Aaron gets to the middle of the room and just stands there, good hand slowly opening and closing. Haley steps to him and puts her hands on his waist. “Can you sit down on the bed? I’ll help you take your shoes off.” 

Aaron just stares at her for a moment, processing, but then nods and backs into the bed, sitting heavily. “You’re beautiful,” he murmurs. He’s starting to slur his words. 

She sits next to him and taps his leg. “Thank you. So are you. Can you pull your feet up here for me?”

Aaron obeys, staring at her over the tops of his knees. His eyes slip closed and his head drifts forward, then she touches his shin and he jerks awake again. She slips one shoe off, then the next, dropping them next to the bed. They’re old sneakers, soft and broken-in to the point of tearing, and he’s never bothered untying them. 

“The doctor says you can take the sling off to sleep. Do you want to do that?” She taps his knee again and he relaxes, tucking his feet underneath himself to sit cross-legged. He nods, bringing his right hand up to clumsily pull at the sling’s strap. “Let me help you, sweetheart.” She leans forward and unbuckles the thing, holding Aaron’s arm steady to keep it from falling too suddenly as the sling hits the bed. She sets it on the bedside table and toes her own shoes and socks off. “Ready for bed?”

“Lettin’ me sleep here?” he asks, expression lost. 

She sighs, running a hand through her hair and trying not to look too frustrated. This is complicated enough without having to explain herself to Aaron several times over. Should she even be doing this? 

She needs this. They both need this. 

“Yeah, Aaron, I am. Let’s just get some rest, okay?” She pushes the covers back and slips her legs under, patting the space next to her. The right side, between her and the door. “Come here.”

Aaron crawls up to join her, letting her pull the covers up. “Lights,” he mumbles. “Didn’t… turn ‘em off. S’methin’ like that.” 

Oh. Right. She laughs, getting out of bed and flipping the lights off before feeling her way back to Aaron. He reaches out to her and she takes his hand, pulling him close. He tucks her head under his chin and wraps his good arm around her, tipping his head down to bury his face in her hair. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I love you. I know I did everything wrong. I’m so sorry.”

_ Why her? Why him? Why is this happening? What did they do to deserve this?  _ “I love you, too, honey. Go to sleep.” She squeezes his hand and he squeezes back.

* * *

_ Haley dreams of a mountain high above the clouds. In front of her, a woman with short, dark hair wearing a black dress stands on the edge of a cliff. She reaches out, but there’s nothing she can do.  _

_ The woman looks back at her and says, “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.” _

_ Haley blinks and a man in white appears behind her. He holds a gun to her head and budges her forward. She steps off willingly. Haley screams. _

* * *

When she wakes up, it’s to soft breathing and light streaming through the window and a weight across her chest. She’s on her back and Aaron’s on his side, nose pressed to her neck and bad arm draped carefully over her torso. His leg is thrown over hers. Her heart aches more than she thought possible. 

“Beautiful” isn’t really the right word to describe Aaron right now. It’s never been, not on mornings like this. What she can see of his face is swollen and the bags under his eyes look like bruises. He’s not snoring, but it’s a near thing. No, he’s not beautiful, but he’s… ethereal. He makes her chest do funny things. He makes her believe in an intelligent creator. 

She gets up as discreetly as she can, easing his head onto the pillow and pulling the blankets over his shoulder. Before leaving, she presses a kiss to the side of his head. It’s the best she can give him right now. 

She opens the door and starts thinking about what to say to Jessica and Jack. 

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo I made myself cry. Hotch and Haley don't get enough cute rep in this fandom and I'm setting out to fix it.   
> For those of you who are reading Aaron Hotchner vs. the World, it's still on track to update next Friday, never fear (also it's gonna be a big chapter no spoilers tho).   
> As always, feel free to drop a comment or leave an ask @postapocalyptic-cryptic on tumblr!


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